The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

I found this piece in my "humor file" and thought you might enjoy it.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Whereas on or about the night before the Holiday of which one can take judicial notice is commonly called Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the “House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to mice.

Stocking were temporarily placed, and shall not be consider to constitute fixtures, by and around the chimney in a non-negligent manner, in said House in the hope and/or believe that St. Nick a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children of the aforementioned House, were located safely and securely in their beds and it is of course not known for certain, but believe to a reasonable degree of certainty that said children were dreaming of confectionery treats, including but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, which did dance, cavort and otherwise frolic in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint (with rights of survivorship) owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.  (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.  The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.  At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of justifiable wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.  The driver of said Vehicle was affirmatively identified as the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”).  (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.  Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus committed the tort of breaking and entering through his unauthorized ingress through the chimney of said House.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, upon which was readily observable evident of his breaking and entering by virtue of residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items.  He was smoking with “appeared” to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health violations.  Claus did not make any oral statement or admission, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung, but were not permanently affixed, adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.  (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor recipients pursuant to the applicable provisions of the United States Tax Code).  Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of is nose and flew, rose and /or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. 

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”  or words to that effect.